


Moonlighting

by AmaraqWolf



Series: The Adventure Zone: Balance [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: and i am going to keep running at it screaming, please listen to the podcast if you can, the mcelroy brothers are much funnier than i will ever hope to be, this is the most ambitious project i have ever undertaken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-01-20 19:27:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21286937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmaraqWolf/pseuds/AmaraqWolf
Summary: In this interlude chapter to the Aventure Zone saga, the mysteries of the universe are revealed. Sort of. And now that Merle, Taako, and Magnus can understand, like, anything anyone important is saying, they have a treacherous job interview to undertake and some SHOPPING to do.Note: This work is part of a collection aiming to adapt the incredible TAZ: Balance arc into a cohesive series of novels. I have several friends who are eager to experience the story but, for various reasons, cannot handle podcasts. Until the graphic novels catch up, this is for them. The story, plot, and characters belong to Griffin, Travis, Justin, and Clint McElroy; I highly recommend enjoying the incredible story through their podcast if you are capable of doing so. They're a lot funnier than I can ever hope to be. Otherwise, please enjoy!
Series: The Adventure Zone: Balance [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1491395
Kudos: 9





	1. The Voidfish

What will our heroes find on the moon

I hope it's not aliens because I'm afraid of those…  
… **It’s T_he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

Taako, Merle, and Magnus are sitting inside one of the moons they previously thought was just, you know, a _moon_, with inky blackness all around them, an orc woman they still don't entirely trust as their guide, a dangerous mass murdering artifact in their possession, and absolutely no idea what awaits them beyond the inky blackness.

What's the saying, that things can only go up from here? It better damn well be true.

The big floating glass ball emerges into _intensely_ bright light. It takes a moment for their eyes to adjust, and when they do, they're faced with a dome-shaped room that looks a little like the inside of a segmented mirror ball, with glowing triangles of light lining the walls. It's a very ornate hangar for what looks like several of the floating glass spheres all docked neatly along the walls, and standing on the platforms are several people wearing blue and white soldiers' garb. On one end of the room are holes in the floor that could be other tunnels, and mounted above them are giant cannons. 

They touch down on one of the landing platforms, and Killian taps on the glass to open up the door so she can climb out. Merle, Taako, and Magnus, all feeling a little wide-eyed and a little surreal, follow suit, and Killian leads them down one of the circular flights of stairs leading off the platform.

Dizziness and nausea overcomes them the moment they step foot outside. It's like a hazes presses down over the three adventurers, dampening their senses, making it difficult to concentrate or to hear what anyone is saying. 

"We _did_ survive the explosion in Phandalin, right?" asks Magnus. "This isn't heaven, right?"

"Oh," says Killian, turning towards them, "by the way, things are going to be… a little weird, for a bit, but I promise that's going to pass."

"Just stick with your buddy," Magnus murmurs, "drink some orange juice…"

"Yeah, and lie down, because you don't want to faint _on_ these stairs. That'll be bad news bears. But I promise, I'm gonna get you guys taken care of very quickly, I just need to run out and get you all authorised. It'll take a few minutes — just hang out here, sit down, take it easy, don't overexert yourselves — you're going to be just fine."

Killian turns and walks out a door. Magnus, Merle, and Taako plonk down on the stairs and hope that the world will, very soon, stop spinning.

Two guards are watching the door Killian left through. One of them seems completely unmoved by the strange situation unfolding at the bottom of the staircase, but the other looks at the three adventurers with sympathy in his expression. He hesitates, then breaks his post to walk over and offer them a flask.

"Here," he says. "Drink this. Trust me, it's —"

Taako snatches it out of the guard's hand _immediately_ and takes a swig from it. "Mm, go-gurt," he says.

"Oh. Wow. Eager beaver. It's not, it's just brandy."

"It tastes like go-gurt to me, darling." Taako passes the flask over to Magnus, who figures that since Taako drank it and didn't immediately keel over, it's _probably_ safe to drink, so he takes a swig as well.

"Mhm," he says. "It's delicious."

"It_ is_ delicious brandy," the guard agrees. "That's from my hometown of Brandybuck."

"Oh," says Magnus. "I'm really glad you're not from Phandalin."

"Why's that? I've got an uncle in Phandalin. Were you just there?"

"Correction, darling," says Taako, "you _had_ an uncle in Phandalin."

"He was probably away on business," Magnus adds, "he's probably fine."

"I mean, he wasn't my favourite uncle or anything, but —"

"Good news!"

"Check with the executor of his will," says Merle. "Just saying."

Magnus shakes his head. "Nope, the executor's dead too."

Maybe it's a mark of how many strange things have happened to the group today, but the three of them collapse into minor fits of hysterical laughter while the guard stands and looks at them all, utterly bemused. It may also be the brandy, and the way it actually does help with the dizziness a little bit by increasing the surrealism of everything around them. 

When they've all had some, the guard takes his flask back. "I know things are going to be pretty confusing for a little while, I know that you've got the — the staticky stuff going on, I know that you're kind of dizzy. Listen, every single person that you're going to meet up here went through the same thing, so, don't worry — it's going to get a lot better really soon, and we're all really excited to have you."

"Do you guys know this guy?" Magnus asks Taako and Merle in what he thinks is a subtle side whisper, but thanks to the dizziness and nausea and brandy, really really isn't.

Merle nudges Taako. "Use your ways. Your ma — your wily ways. Get some information."

"Oh, sorry!" says the guard. "My name is Avi."

Taako gestures. "There you have it," he says with a wide grin. "He wasn't going to say that, and then I made him say that."

"Afi?" asks Merle.

"Avi. A, V, I. It's actually a very common name in Brandybuck. After everything's over, why don't you guys come find me? If you want to hang out or whatever. We can just… lift some weights, or something, whatever you guys like to do. It's all up to you. _I_ like to lift some weights."

"That sounds totally great," Magnus assures him. "We need a minute just to process everything that's going on, so —"

Killian chooses that moment to come back into the room. "OK, you guys are clear!" she announces. "Just follow me, and we can get this show on the road."

"Nice to meet you guys," says Avi with a wave. "You seem like sweet dudes."

"Right on!" Taako replies with a smile.

They follow Killian out of the hangar, and they come out onto what is presumably the moon itself, where they're surrounded by dozens of other dome-shaped buildings that look a lot like the hangar, and standing in a lush green grassy field.

"This goes against everything I know about secret moon bases," Magnus whispers to the other two.

"We're not in a secret moon base," Taako whispers back.

"It's the moon, it's a base, and it's a secret."

"We're on the _moon_!?"

"Don't you remember? We flew into the moon in the glass ball thingy."

"We did? Really? When?"

"Well, I _thought_ we did."

Above them is the night sky, with only one moon, and several twinkling stars. Judging by the area of the base — roughly the length of a football field — they can't possibly be on a moon, and yet, because the second moon is gone from the sky, they _have_ to be. It must be some sort of facade they flew into, revealing this place behind it, and the ground they're standing on must be some sort of elaborate set piece.

They discuss this, haltingly, for about a minute, but all three of them find it _insanely_ difficult to think seriously about this for very long. It's much easier to believe that everything's a trick, somehow. Much easier to just forget about it and go with the flow.

Killian leads them across a quad to a dome that's a little shorter and shallower than the other domed buildings surrounding them. It has a large spear coming out of the top, made of completely translucent crystal — or possibly glass.

There's only one thing inside, and it's a large column in the center of the small room. Killian uses the runed bracelet on her arm to call an elevator up — an elevator that, as far as they can tell, _doesn't_ run on ropes and pulleys? — and the door slides open to let them inside.

"I can't actually go with you guys down there," says Killian. "It's sort of high-security. But, uh, yeah. This is where you need to go next."

The dome doors slide open behind them and a half-elf man stumbles through. "Hey, can you hold the elevator please?" he calls out. His voice is an odd mix between extremely melancholic, and the sound a panflute would make if a panflute had a human voice.

Magnus almost tries to push the elevator doors shut. He doesn't know what they're about to encounter next, but whatever it is, he'd much rather face it with just Taako and Merle. He can _trust_ Taako and Merle. In the end, however, his rustic hospitality wins out, and he holds the door open instead.

"Thanks, guys." The half-elf man joins them inside, nodding at Killian as he passes her. He's wearing very colourful and moderately silly clothing, not the standard-issue uniform everyone else seems to be wearing. Pantaloons, a bard's garb. A little feathered cap. A fiddle strapped to his back. He also exhibits the general demeanour of a funeral director, which, in _anyone's_ opinion, would be a pretty odd combination.

"OK, can you press the button now?" he asks, because no one has actually pressed the button yet.

"Yeah." Magnus pushes it. There's only one button on the panel, which makes the choice pretty clear. The doors close, and the elevator smoothly descends down into the depths of the secret moon base.

"No problem," Taako echoes. Then, bluntly: "Do you work here?"

"Yeah. What gave it away? Is it the fact that I'm, like, here? No, man, I got lost and I ended up on a moon base. I'm just kidding."

"That's… funny," says Taako, who honestly can't decide if that was meant to be funny or not, given the monotonous delivery. "'Cause we're here, and we don't work here, so. I dunno."

"Oh, are you guys initiates or whatever? That's cool."

Merle, Taako, and Magnus look at each other. Silently, collectively, they decide on: "Yes."

There's a short silence, during which the half-elf man heaves a sigh, and it's one of the most sullen and unhappy sighs any of them have ever heard. Magnus feels like he has to do _something_, and because he gave up on social norms a while back, what he does is try to tickle the half-elf man.

"OK — hehehehehe — stop, stop stop. Hehehe — Stop, stop it, seriously."

"May I ask your name?" says Merle. "Bard-garb — garbed — person?"

"My name is Johann."

"OK. What's _wrong_, dude?" asks Magnus.

"Yeah, what seems to be bothering you?" asks Taako.

Johann sighs again. "Everything, I guess. If you think about just where I ended up, my life choices, and…"

"You're on a moon!" says Magnus. "That's pretty great."

"Yeah," Taako agrees, "and you're a bard."

"I guess that's true. I mean, I don't get a lot of customers. The problem is, fellas, if I'm going to be frank with you —"

"I thought your name was —" Taako and Magnus say at the exact same time, and they both laugh.

"Oh," says Johann, "good one. Assholes."

"Well, mine wasn't a joke, I'm an idiot," Taako assures him. 

"Just ignore 'em," says Merle. "That works most of the time. Go ahead, buddy, tell us what's on your mind."

"I'm, like, the greatest violinist basically ever."

"Oh. OK."

"I mean, I don't see any point in worrying about being humble about it. I don't want to lie to you guys. I'm basically, like, the best violinist ever. But nobody's ever gonna know who I am. I dunno, it just gets to me sometimes, you know?"

Magnus puts his hand on Johann's shoulder. "We know who you are, Frank."

"Don't _fucking_ tickle me again, man, I'm not — I'm like an adult man, and you're an adult man."

"Magnus," says Merle, "easy."

Magnus elects to ignore both these pieces of advice and tickles Johann again, making Merle sigh and shake his head.

"Hehehehehe — _stop it_." 

"Don't you feel better now?"

"Not really, no." Johann pulls his violin off his back. "Would you guys actually mind if I —"

"Threw it away?" Taako offers.

"— played for you?"

"Will you do Devil Went Down To Georgia?" Merle asks.

Johann gives him a funny look. "Do — what? No. But I'll do Asmodeus Went Down To Phandalin."

"No, don't do that. No."

Johann starts to play, and very quickly the other three go completely silent. It's been hard, for any of them, to try and take things seriously after what happened in Phandalin. Pretending nothing's changed, aggressively pretending that jokes and wisecracks are still OK, is how they've gotten to where they're standing in the elevator on the secret moon base feeling like they're dreaming about being very sick. But when Johann plays the song on his violin, something about that changes, and no one says a word.

He wasn't kidding about being the best violinist in the world. It's the most gorgeous goddamn piece of music any of them have ever heard, and certainly the most gorgeous goddamn piece of music anyone's ever heard on an _elevator_. It's tinged with magic, like all bard music is, but there's nothing fake or forced about the way Johann plays. Like bagpipes, his music forces you to face every feeling you've repressed this century, and by the time he finishes, all three of the adventurers are in tears.

They'll never find a list of Phandalin residents who were abruptly and unceremoniously killed. They'll never pursue surviving friends or family of any of the deceased. But in that moment, it feels like they have, all at once.

When Johann finishes playing, he nods at the utter silence and puts his violin back in its carrier. "See, I told you guys."

Magnus, who ended up crying on the floor, picks himself back up and tries to piece together some semblance of normalcy again. "Johann, why — why aren't you using this gift out in the world, you should be like — singing before, playing before _kings_."

"It's in the contract, you guys, you know? I wish there was something I could do about it. I'm not complaining, like, it's hard out there to find a job as a bard. In this economy, you don't get a lot of tips, you get a lot of staying in unclean lodging, there's a lot of syphilis, like, just a _lot_ of syphilis."

"In the contract?" asks Magnus, horrified.

"An unconscionable amount of syphilis."

"This is a really slow elevator."

_Bing bong._

The doors slide open.

"First floor," says Johann. "Mens' wear. Just kidding." And he walks out.

The elevator opens onto a short hallway with a very large, very secure door at the other end. Standing rank and file on either side of the short hallway are roughly fourteen guards. Johann walks forward without incident. "Oh," he says, "these guys are new recruits, they're about to get inoculated, so. Don't worry about them."

Several of the guards nod in understanding.

"Wait," says Taako. "Before we take another step." He squints. "I don't see any mens' wear."

They all laugh. The guards don't laugh, but the adventurers do, and immediately they feel better. Apart from some red around their eyes, you could hardly tell they were crying.

"You're, like, really dumb, aren't you?" says Johann.

"Or," says Merle, "crazy like a _fox_."  
"Or crazy like a fox," Taako agrees with a self-satisfied nod. "Dumb like a fox."

"OK," says Johann. He rolls up his sleeve to reveal another runed bracer like Killian's, and taps it on the secure door. One of the guards walks over and does the same with his own identical bracer. The room that opens up behind the massive secure door is very large, very dark, and very important-looking, with a surreal bio-luminescent glow spilling out into the hallway. There's a large tank in this room, lit from underneath with the same bio-luminescent glow, filled with a dark and opaque liquid. There's something _in_ the tank — but there isn't. But there _is_. But there isn't, there's nothing in there. Except that whatever's in there is massive and takes up the entire space in the tank. Except the tank is completely empty, and they're not on one of the moons, and there's no dangerous artifact in Taako's bag.

There sure aren't any whale noises coming from the tank, either.

The disorientation and nausea are worse here than anywhere else on the base.

"I think we need that flask again," Merle murmurs, one hand over his mouth.

Johann walks over to the base of the tank, opens up a panel, and puts the rolls of parchment he's carrying inside it. Then he shuts the door and pulls the lever next to it, saying: "There goes another great composition."

The parchment floats up inside the tank. A tendril reaches out, wraps around it, and pulls it towards the centre of its mass.

Something very odd happens then. All three of them feel it, but none of them have any idea how to put the feeling into words, so it's a very good thing all they need is a shared collective glance to understand they're not the only ones feeling it. It's like a hole appeared in their minds, a gap encompassing the entire elevator ride. They can vaguely remember coming down on the elevator, vaguely remember talking to Johann, vaguely remember that Johann took his violin off his back to play it for them — but the music, that's completely gone. The associated emotional memories are completely gone. It's like having something on the tip of your tongue, and no matter how hard you try, you can't remember what it is. Magnus, in particular, can remember thinking that he was never going to forget that beautiful music or the way it made him feel. Yet, somehow, he… just did. It's a ragged, noticeable gap in memory, half-obvious, half-undetectable.

"Okay," says Johann, "feeding time's over. You guys ready for stuff to get weird?"

Magnus laughs nervously. Johann takes that as a yes, and beckons them over to the base of the tank, to a spigot on the side where several phials sit. When he opens up the spigot to fill three phials, a black, inky liquid comes out, looking about as appetising as rotten tomatoes or mouldy bread. 

"No," says Taako.

Johann fills each phial in turn.

"No."

Johann passes each of them a phial full of the black, inky liquid.

"_No._"

"This isn't going to taste great," Johann admits. "I'll warn you guys, once you drink that, there really isn't any going back."

"Going back from _what_?" asks Magnus.

"From… from not… from not drinking it."

"OK, so once we drink it, we can't _un_drink it, is what you're saying, Johann, very helpful."

"Johann's very pragmatic," Merle comments.

"I just cut through the bullshit, you know?"

"Can we ask some questions?" says Merle. "We've got to make this big decision and we don't even know what's going on!"

"We're not going to be _able_ to know what's going on," Taako reminds him. "We can try to ask, but… I bet we'll just get that static."

Magnus grips his phial and drinks the whole thing in one gulp.

It may be the first time in history that a black inky definitely-not-drinkable-without-contracting-cholera drink actually helped someone feel _less_ nauseous. 

He immediately remembers the music in the elevator, which drives him nearly to tears again. With every passing second, he remembers more and more, snippets of conversations that were originally faded out with static — he remembers Killian, in the mine, asking them if they were there for the _Phoenix Fire Gauntlet_, currently sitting nestled in Taako's bag, which is not a thing that anyone in their right mind should forget. He remembers the Black Spider asking if they were members of the _Bureau of Balance_. Even beyond that, months and months and_ years_ ago, he remembers war. He remembers war that tore Faerun apart, war that triggered the destruction of his home, war that you couldn't _not_ hear about, even in a quiet country town like Raven's Roost. Violent, aggressive, all-encompassing war and bloodshed that he had somehow _completely forgotten about_. It destroyed entire towns, that violence and carnage, exactly like Phandalin was destroyed by the gauntlet. Magnus can remember it now, still foggy in some places, but _there_, unmistakeable in his memory, large and looming.

He looks up, and he can see, clear as day, exactly what the thing in the tank is. It's the size of a whale, but jellyfish-shaped, with thousands of giant tendrils coming off its body. Inside of its body is what looks like a whole _galaxy_, like a swirling nebula of bright blue-green-white light and stars. It's gorgeous, and all Magnus can do for a while is stare at it, awestruck. The weight of the memories that came back might have completely overwhelmed him, if it wasn't for this massive beautiful jellyfish creature in front of him making him feel warm, and safe, and above all _hopeful_.

"Guys," he says slowly. "It's all clear. I remember _everything_."

Merle, who quietly believes that that's exactly what someone who's brainwashed or possessed would say, casts a quick and invisible spell called Augery. It's very simple, and completely un-nuanced; all it does is tell him whether the next thirty minutes will bring good results, or bad.

It tells him, unhelpfully, that the next thirty minutes will bring both.

"Here's the thing, you guys," says Magnus, "so basically what's going on is ⛓⛓⛓⛓ and in the cave, when we were looking for the ⛓⛓⛓⛓ she was explaining that ⛓⛓⛓⛓ so basically, what's going on is ⛓⛓⛓⛓

"Well," says Taako, "this is just _annoying_ now."

And he drinks his phial.

"_Thank_ you," says Magnus, relieved. "Merle, you should drink too."

Merle reluctantly follows suit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately I won't be able to post the whole Moonlighting arc at once -- Life Happens -- so I'll stick with the original update schedule of a new chapter every Friday/Saturday.  
Thanks for sticking with me this far! I'm enjoying this ambitious challenge and I hope you are too!


	2. A Most Treacherous Job Interview

Can our heroes survive a most treacherous job interview

I see myself in five years in…  
… **T_he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

The next five minutes are utterly silent in the giant jellyfish room.

Taako remembers a time when he was working on his grandfather's farm, back when he was a young and chipper sixty-five years old. He was, as usual, not paying very much attention to his farm chores, so while he was beating the cow's milk to try and form some kind of cream, his Grandpa Tostata walked out.

"Taako, what're you doin'!? You've been whippin' that cream so long in the hot sun, it dun turn _sour!_"

This memory sticks out more in Taako's mind than any of the memories of world-wide war, leaving the words _sour cream_ rattling around somewhere in his mind, but with no accompanying meaning or any kind of explanation. He blinks, back in the giant jellyfish-creature room, feeling surprised, confused, and, for some reason he can't discern, smug. But his dizziness and nausea are completely gone. That's a win.

"_Sour cream_," he says as soon as his voice isn't paralysed anymore, quickly and excitedly, so he can remember to write it down later.

Magnus stares at him. "_What?_"

"Oh, yeah — war, bad stuff, also there's an octopus in the tank." Taako pulls a book out of his bag — Uncle John's Elven Bathroom Reader, which is different from the original because it has pictures of leaves around the edges and it smells like sandalwood — and he scribbles _sour cream_ in the margin of one of the pages, right under _ground???_ and _CHEESE_. Then he puts the book away.

"So what _was_ that?" he asks. "'Cause if I know anything, that wasn't magic, or alchemy."

"They're memories," says Magnus. "They're our _real_ memories. They weren't created. They're not _new_. So the world that we live in — it lived through a terrible war, where many people died, and then it was just… erased from the consciousness of the people?"

"Well, from us," says Merle.

"From us, at least, certainly," Taako nods.

"You guys good?" Johann asks.

"_Yeah_," says Magnus. "Super great."

"Bureau of Balance. Did you guys hear that?"

"Yeah, we got that one."

"Sweet. Cool. Well, welcome to the club, I guess."

Magnus looks at the giant jellyfish-creature floating in the tank before them. It's moving, not just drifting in the water, but he can't tell if it's aware of them or not. It could be. It could also be sleeping, or on a different plane of existence altogether. He bows to it, out of a growing sense of reverence and respect.

"What are — what are you doing?" Johann asks, with something like amusement in his voice for the first time.

"I'm bowing to your weird jellyfish god."

"It's not a god. At least… I don't think so. None of us really know —"

"You don't know shit, Johann."

"We don't, you're not a hundred percent wrong. So this thing is… we call it the Voidfish. It's probably not its real name —"

"Did you guys take a long time to come up with that one?"

"I actually spun that one just straight off the dome. And it just kind of stuck."

"Is that because it's been voiding into that water we just drank?" asks Merle.

"No — I mean, _yeah_, but — that's not why it's called that. It's the only one, like, ever, so… those kinds of things typically don't get named, so we just stuck with Voidfish. It's pretty cool, it feeds on information. And then, whatever information you give it, it just sort of… _removes_. From, well, from existence. It just stops existing, unless you've been inoculated and drank from the tank."

"So that's why you're so bummed out," says Magnus. "Because you have to write these songs and then let the Voidfish consume them."

"Yeah. My job here is to keep this thing fat and happy, 'cause man, if it dies, we're all fucked. So yeah, I write these compositions and feed them to it."

"Why?"

"… Why?"

"Yes. Aside from letting people drink its waste, what service is it providing? What does it _do_?"

"It's — it's not just floating around in its own waste. Look at this beautiful goddamn jellyfish, do you think this thing's just like… like some kind of… poop weirdo?"

"But what does it _do_?"

"It destroys information."

"What would happen if it died?" asks Taako.

"Everyone would remember."

"And that would be… bad?"

"You're gonna learn a lot of stuff here in the next, like, twenty minutes or so, and if all of that — if everyone down there knew that, well, I mean — they _used_ to. And that's what caused the war."

"OK," says Magnus, "super cool, Johann, who's in charge here?"

"That's the Director. Now that you guys have been inoculated, she'll probably want to see you."

"Could you take us to her?"

"I'm not, like, the valet here. Ask one of the guards, they'll get you there."

"OK, thanks."

"Can I just say, though, it was nice to meet you guys?"

"Super great meeting you too, Johann."

"And let me tell you, Johann," Merle adds, "I think that of all the people we've met here, I think you're the kgggkgggg one of all."

"No," says Johann, frowning at the amateur approximation of the static. "No, that's not how it works."

"Yeah, I'm just messin' with ya."

"But it wasn't a good joke."

"Give me a break! I've still got fish poop taste in my mouth."

Magnus tries to tickle Johann again, but Johann slaps his hand out of the way with a very deft strike. "It wasn't nice to meet _you_," he says, glaring at Magnus, "I take that one back. You two are cool, though. Anyway, get lost, OK? I have stuff to do."

He points them back towards the elevator, and as Magnus, Taako, and Merle pass back through the doors, an old human man walks out of the elevator, wearing a plain brown robe and carrying a roll of parchment. 

"Come on in," says Johann to the robed man, sounding even more morose than before. "Let's get this over with. I hate this, it's my least favourite part…"

The old man walks past the trio. The parchment he's carrying is turned out, and at the top, they can see it says: 'Brian. Age: 121. Drow, male, 6'1".' The heavily guarded door swings shut behind the old man in monks' robes, leaving Taako, Magnus, and Merle alone in the hall with the fourteen guards.

"Hello," says Magnus with a cheery wave. "Would any of you fancy gentlemen care to help us find the Director?"

One of the guards beckons them onto the elevator, and uses his own arm bracer to activate the machinery lifting it into the air. 

"Sweet bracer, dude," says Magnus.

"Thanks. You're going to get your own here in a bit. You guys inoculated?"

"Yeah. Yeah, we've been inoculated."

"Can I ask you a question? What did _you_ guys think it tasted like? I think it tastes kind of like crawberry goon."

"Yeah, I see that."

"Because it's got that creamy consistency, but it definitely had that fresh seafood taste."

"Yeah, I'd say it was more like a salmon roe kind of thing, you know?"

"Oh yeah, I could get that too."

The elevator moves smoothly upward to ground level, farther from the Voidfish and closer to the Director.

~~~~

Merle, Magnus, and Taako are guided into one of the largest, grandest domes in the secret moon base complex. They walk into a foyer where an inbuilt enchantment keeps all of the floors sparklingly clean and clear of dirt.

The chamber beyond the foyer looks almost like a throne room. There's a path of deep red carpet leading up to what would then be the throne, built on top of a simple and unassuming dias, and sitting on that throne is a human woman in her fifties, dressed in a very ornate blue and white robe, holding a fairly plain white oak staff.

She has a gravity about her, a self-assurance and dignity that would mark her as the Director even if she wasn't sitting on a throne. Her clothes are simple and elegant, and her expression, though carefully composed, almost seems to betray sincerity when she smiles at the three of them.

"Welcome," she says, in a voice that drips with gravitas, "to the Bureau of Balance. It's a pleasure to have you. I've heard a lot of great things about your performance from Killian. Before we go any further, I'm going to need you to hand over the gauntlet so we can destroy it promptly."

"Really," says Magnus, sounding just two steps short of suspicious. "But it's _our_ gauntlet."

"You see, that's kind of the business we're in," Merle tells her with a nod. "We get stuff, and then people pay us for it, so…"

"Oh," says the woman — the Director. "You'll be paid. I assure you, you'll be paid very, very handsomely."

"That's the kind of thing people say if by 'paying us' they mean they're going to _kill_ us," Taako points out. His voice is pitched higher with the mistrust and fear the entire throne room vibe gives him. 

"No," she answers, smiling, "that's not how the Bureau operates. Give me a moment." She claps her hands twice. "Davenport! Davenport?"

A gnomish man walks out from the back, very finely dressed, and very prim and proper, something like a small butler. He carries a tray with a bulky coin purse sitting on it.

"Pay the men, Davenport, for a good day's work," says the Director. She pauses. "Well, it was more a ten-day, it was a lot of days, but — go ahead and give them their payment."

"Davenport!" says Davenport agreeably, and he offers the coin purse to Taako, Merle, and Magnus.

Magnus takes the purse. "Excuse me, madam, what is your name?"

"I'm afraid that's actually classified."

"Then how should we address you?"

"'Director' is fine."

"Director —"

"'Madame Director' is fine also."

"Madame Director —"

"Lady Director?" Merle suggests.

"No, shut up. Madame Director, I'm happy to destroy the gauntlet. I would like to be present while it is destroyed, though, so I can confirm —"

"I imagine you would, of course. It'll be quite spectacular."

"And it makes him horny," Taako adds, grinning.

"What?" Magnus looks at him. "That's — that's between me and my god!"

"You love seeing things destroyed!"

"A stiff wind makes him horny," Merle mutters. "How do you plan on destroying this thing? Can we watch while you hurl it into the fires of Mount Doom?"

The Director shakes her head. "If only it were so simple. It's taken us actually some time to develop anything capable of destroying something quite so powerful."

"Listen," says Taako, "I'm but a simple idiot wizard —"

"Don't sell yourself short," says the Director.

"No," says Magnus, "he's not, it's very accurate."

"I appreciate it," Taako says, "but I'm comfortable with where I'm at. I'm just standing in my truth here. Listen, could you tell us a bit about your organisation before we just _hand_ it over? It's really scary, and… it makes ouchies. When you touch it, I mean. Ouchies."

"When you… touch… our organisation?" asks the Director.

"The gauntlet, when you touch the gauntlet. It makes ouchies."

"I… see."

"Remember Phandalin?"

"You _are_ the three who conquered Brian and claimed the gauntlet, yes? That was you?"

"Remember Phandalin?" Taako says again, his tone exactly the same but for a touch of a stubborn streak.

The Director sighs. "Yes, oddly, I _do_ remember Phandalin."

"That's lucky for you! Treasure _that_ memory!"

"We know what's happened to Phandalin. We've been tracking the three of you since you entered Wave Echo Cave."

"It's burnt!" Taako insists. "The gauntlet burnt it!"

Magnus steps in. "Madame Director, we're more than we appear, I promise. Just answer his question. Tell us a little bit about the organisation, then we'll do the gauntlet destroying, then maybe have some tea…"

"You think just because I'm a woman in her fifties, that I enjoy drinking tea?"

"No, _I_ love tea. That was for me. I don't care if _you_ have any."

The Director chuckles, and she nods. "The Bureau of Balance has a singular purpose. That purpose is to collect and destroy certain… let's call them weapons of mass destruction. You could call us a disarmament organisation, one tasked with making the world safer by destroying the things that threaten it — namely powerful artifacts like the gauntlet that you have in your possession right now."

Merle, Magnus, and Taako look at each other.

"Sounds good to me!" says Taako, and he pulls the gauntlet out of his bag. 

Davenport, who, completely unnoticed by the others, slipped out of the throne room earlier in the conversation, comes back in pushing a large heavy cart carrying a sphere that looks like it's made out of lead. There's a circular glass window on the top of the sphere, which Davenport opens, and he beckons Taako to put the gauntlet inside.

Once it's in there and the sphere is sealed shut, Davenport pulls open a curtain on the side of the room, which reveals a window overlooking an enormous chamber. Davenport wheels the cart into this chamber, pushes the large lead sphere onto the floor, and leaves again. The Director walks over to the window and taps her staff on the glass.

The lead sphere lifts into the air of its own accord. Bright pillars of light shoot out of the walls, stabbing right through it dozens, _hundreds_ of times. The whole searing production grows brighter and brighter over the course of a full minute, and then abruptly the pillars of light disappear and the sphere floats very gently down to the floor of the chamber.

Davenport walks back in, wearing thick oven mitts. He grabs the sphere, puts it back on the cart, and wheels it out into the throne room, where he cracks open the sphere door to reveal that the sphere is now completely empty.

Just like a spicy meatball, Taako thinks. Spicy meat. _Spicy meat_. Hm.

"OK," says the Director once she confirms the sphere is empty. She looks pleased. More than pleased, she looks almost ecstatic — over the moon, if you will. "Payment upon… obliteration, I suppose," she continues. "That gauntlet you just destroyed is responsible for some of the worst atrocities our world has ever known."

"Cool," says Magnus, who's still examining the lead sphere.

"Yes. The three of you should be very, very proud of yourselves."

Magnus looks up at her. "Do you know anything about Taako's umbrella?"

"Taako's — what?"

Taako lifts up his umbrella for the Director to see. She looks at it, and doesn't say anything for almost a full minute; then she shakes her head. "No. But our Artificer might, I can send you his way after we're finished here." She takes a breath, and draws herself up. "The Phoenix Fire Gauntlet is a very special, extremely powerful magic item. It is a weapon that was created by a band of, of… wizards, and warlocks, and other magic-users who refused to limit themselves. They refused to rein in their experimentation, if you will. And that resulted in the creation of what we call the Grand Relics. There are seven of them, in the world —"

"Six," Magnus corrects her.

"Now there are six, yes, that's right." The Director looks inordinately pleased again. "This is the first — we've searched for _so_ long, for these relics, our entire organisation's sole purpose is to find these relics —"

"Wait a minute," Taako cuts her off. "Clarify something. Just so I'm clear. Your whole organisation lives in a _moon_, and so far the score is _zero_?"

"One," says Merle.

"No, no," Magnus says, "that was _us_. That one was us."

"Oh yeah."

"I couldn't get out of a jizz cave without nearly _dying_," Taako goes on, "and _we_ — we destroyed one?"

"Two assertions," says the Director, holding up two fingers. "First, as I said before, _don't_ sell yourself short. The three of you are capable of a lot more than you think. Second, how long do you think we've been in operation?"

"Sounds like about a half an hour," Merle murmurs.

Taako nods enthusiastically. "You spent all your time on your moon base and didn't go looking for — look, I've been there, I know how this game is played."

The Director smiles. "We've only been in operation for… a little less than a year now. What we do was not _possible_ until we discovered the Voidfish. You see, the war and the calamity and turmoil that the three of you now remember was a direct result of these Relics. When these items were crafted, and word about their powers spread, every kingdom in the land, every political organisation, every mercenary guild, every religious community, founded their own attempts to claim them for their own. And that contest for these Relics led to a war the likes of which the world had never seen, and we simply couldn't do what we do now until that turmoil subsided. And the only way that we could force it to subside was to make everyone forget about the Relics in the first place."

"That all seems pretty straightforward," says Magnus, nodding. "Pretty textbook."

"It's actually incredibly circuitous and difficult to understand, but… I'm hoping the three of you are on board."

"Taako," says Merle, "did you get that?"

"Oh, yeah, every word."

"It sounds," Merle goes on, "like you're offering us a gig."

"I would be happy to hire the three of you as —"

"Do we get a licence to kill?" asks Magnus.

"You don't."

"Oh."

"I mean, you don't _need_ one, is what I'm saying."

"Oh!"

"We would be happy to hire the three of you on as Reclaimers. Let me explain — our organisation is made up of three main roles. We have Seekers, who look out for intelligence, any information that can aid in the finding of these Relics, but they are forbidden from claiming them themselves. That's where you come in. The Reclaimers. This is a very hard position for us to fill, because most of the time, anyone who discovers one of the Grand Relics is unable to fight off the temptation to claim it for their own. The three of you have proven that you are capable of avoiding that temptation, and so we would be happy to have you as part of that illustrious role."

"I — just to be clear," says Taako, "_I_ have proven that. Not these losers. I just put it in my backpack."

"He's too stupid to give in to temptation," Magnus agrees, nodding sagely.

"That brings us to the third role," the Director continues smoothly, "which we call the Regulators. Anybody who… goes AWOL, if you will, anybody who uses any information gathered about the Relics for their own whim, anybody who uses a Relic even _once_, will be hunted down and properly dealt with by the Regulators."

"Super cool," Magnus says. "Which one of these is Killian?"

"Oh, Killian's actually one of our star Regulators. She was hunting down one of our wayward Seekers, whom you met also. You know him, I believe, as the Black Spider."

"Oh, Magic Brian. We killed him."

"Yes. That was very kind of you, thank you for doing that."

"You are welcome."

"_I_ killed him," Taako mutters under his breath.

Magnus shrugs. "It was a group effort."

"I will be happy to welcome the three of you on board the Bureau of Balance as Reclaimers. The only thing standing in the way is the test, if you wish to get your bracers."

"Oh." Magnus looks suddenly worried. "Is it like a written?"

"Well," says Taako as he turns around, "I'll see you guys later. We had a good run."

"Could there be some kind of proctor for Taako?" asks Merle. "Like a procto?"

"No," says the Director, smiling again. "There's no written component."

"Oh, sweet," says Magnus.

"All I need to know is, between the three of you, which one is the smartest, which of you is the strongest, and which of you is the bravest."

Magnus, Taako, and Merle all look at each other. 

"Taako," says Magnus. "All of the above."

"Each of you must claim one of those roles," the Director contradicts him. "And I leave it to you to decide among yourselves."

"You've got a lot of street smarts," Merle tells Taako.

"That's very kind, thanks. Uh, if I'm not kidding myself, I think between — Merle is sort of the smartest by default, right?"

"Right," says Magnus. "So I would say Taako is the bravest, and I'm the strongest."

Taako nods. "I'm cool with that."

"Unless you want to go with strength, and it's like — strength of will and mind, and I'm brave. Either of those is fine with me. So quick question, Director — when you say strongest, do you mean physically?"

"I can't tell you any more," she says. "You're in the test."

"You _can_, you're just choosing not to."

"Oh, you're _so deep_ in the test, Magnus."

"Alright," says Merle. "_I_ am the smartest of us —"

"Oh, listen to _you_," says Magnus, laughing. "Lah-dih-dah!"

"I'm the bravest," Taako echoes.

Magnus nods. "And I'm the strongest."

"OK."

The Director smiles at them all, and taps her staff on the ground. Instantly, Taako, Magnus, and Merle all lose consciousness.

~~~~

They all awaken at the same time in the testing chamber.

It is definitely not, as the Director assured them, a written test. What it _is_ is a massive, several-storey circular arena, with three iron-lattice gates in the walls, and a giant stone pillar in the middle of the floor. Taako wakes up on the dusty ground-level floor right near that column — which, compared to some of the other places Taako has woken up over the course of his life, is downright normal. Merle wakes up in an alcove in the wall about twenty feet up, where he has a clear view of the entire arena, strapped very securely into the helm of a mounted cannon. The cannon has four rows of glass balls lining it, with the first ball in each row filled with a different colour of fluid. 

Magnus, meanwhile, wakes up on a long sky bridge only slightly higher than Merle's alcove, overlooking the entire arena. In the centre of that sky bridge sits a pedestal with a big red button, and at either end of the bridge is a large metal door.

"Hello!" Taako calls up to him, waving. 

Magnus waves back. "Hi!"

"Hello, poppet! What do you think we're doing?"

"I think Merle has to shoot us."

"I'm not doing that," Merle says immediately. "If that's the test, I'm out."

"Maybe they're fun bullets, though. Maybe they make us dance."

They're all fully dressed, and they each have all of the equipment they walked into the Director's office with, as they determine after quick individual searches of all their various extremities and pockets. 

An intercom in the ceiling of the arena crackles to life, and the Director's voice comes over it. "Welcome to the test of initiation," she says. "The point of this test is to balance the combatants that will soon enter the arena where Taako is currently in repose. These foes are going to be _far_ too strong for you to fight outright. You will need to work together to ensure they defeat _one another_, as the consequences of allowing one too much power will be quite dire indeed. Merle, you are strapped into a very special cannon, which you will use to keep these monsters at equal footing. Each of the different potions the cannon is equipped with will affect these ogres in different ways. You have one that can heal, one that can hurt, one that can strengthen, and one that will draw the attention of the other two. You only have one of each. 

"Taako, you are going to be in the arena with the ogres. I would not recommend attempting to fight them, though certainly, you could try. You are able to use any of your magical tools in this test if you so choose. I would recommend _not_ doing that, because they are very big and very strong, as ogres typically are. Your test will be to retrieve three gemstones from various parts of these ogres' person. And by doing so, you will grant Merle extra ammunition for the cannon, which will, in turn, help you pass this test. Each gem that you collect will grant one of each type of ammunition. If you draw their ire, you will almost certainly perish, as many before you have. We have a very high turnover rate at the Bureau of Balance.

"Magnus, you have been designated the strongest. In this test, you will use your strength to protect your allies. You stand in the centre of a sky bridge; next to you is a button that, if pressed, will give a shock to both Merle and Taako which will incapacitate them for a short time."

Magnus eyes the button.

"If any enemies who approach from either side of the sky bridge press that button, your friends will be harmed and paralysed temporarily. So you will need to use your strength to protect that button at all costs."

"We're dead," mutters Merle. Magnus grins at him and brushes one finger lightly over the button, humming Johann's elevator song.

"If the three of you understand the test fully," the Director goes on, "we can begin."

"Listen," says Taako, "you don't have the spare hours I would need to understand this test fully. Get some shiny things off the monsters! Dig."

A buzzer sounds. All three iron gates around the walls slide open, and three ogres enter the arena with Taako.

There's a blue ogre, kind of puny as far as ogres go. There's a green ogre of middling size, larger than the blue, but smaller than the red ogre who follows them in; the red ogre is clearly the oldest, and the most experienced. They don't have any obvious weapons, but they're also giant ogres; they don't really _need_ any weapons.

And so the test begins.

The doors on either end of the sky bridge slide open, and two automatons, two metallic golems, enter the bridge, one on either side. They look very intricately built, full of visible clockwork, but they also look ready to steamroll anything in their way to the button.

"OK," Magnus says to himself, drawing his battle-axe in one hand and hefting his shield in the other. "Here goes nothing." He stands right next to the button, shield at the ready, prepared for whichever automaton makes it to the button first.

Taako, who, by this point, is sorely wishing he had magic that would let him travel back in time and demand _not_ to be designated as the bravest, eyes the ogres now facing him. The blue ogre, he notices, has a gem fastened to his forehead. The green one has a gem on a chain around his neck. The red ogre is the only one wearing some crude sort of clothing — shorts and a fisherman's vest — and the gem _he_ possesses isn't immediately obvious. His clothes are full of pockets, though.

Taako runs between the red ogre and the blue ogre towards the other end of the arena, putting as much distance between himself and the ogres as he can, because what the hell else is he supposed to do? The ogres, fortunately, barely even seem to notice him. They're much more interested in bellowing as threateningly as possible at each other.

Merle shoots the hey-attack-me-now potion at the red ogre, which nails it directly in the chest, breaking open and coating its whole torso in acidic red fluid. The threatening bellows of the other two ogres immediately grow louder. The green ogre attacks first, followed very quickly by the blue one; they both rain a hail of heavy fists down on the red ogre's shoulders, driving it to its knees with a howl of pain. 

So far so good.

Both of the automatons move in closer to the button on the sky bridge. When they're each about ten feet away, they hold up their arms and crossbows pop out, and they both fire bolts at Magnus. One of them _thunks_ off of Magnus's shield, while the other just barely grazes his shoulder, a bright little flash of pain on the edges of his vision. He steps interminably towards the latter automaton, swings his axe one-handed, and shatters the golem into a shower of gears that fall off the edge of the sky bridge. The moment it's destroyed, the door it came through slides open again, and another automaton walks in. Magnus hunkers down next to the button.

Taako, from his relatively safe place on the opposite end of the arena, casts Mage Hand. A large spectral hand materialises in the air, gives Magnus and Merle a thumbs-up, and then reaches for the blue ogre's forehead gem, which it effortlessly plucks from the ogre's flesh. As soon as the gem is removed, it disintegrates, and with a pleasing _kachunk_ noise, three more glass balls in Merle's cannon fill with the differently-coloured fluids.

Merle, grinning, fires an acid 'hurting' potion at the red ogre. Once again, it hits square in the chest, and the red ogre bellows with pain. Coupled with the earlier onslaught from the others, the red ogre looks severely bloodied and near death; its breathing comes with painful rasping noises deep in its chest. It looks wildly around and, with one big lumbering step, launches itself towards Taako. Right at the last minute, right after Taako panics that this is the end for him, it swerves back behind the pillar and hides from the other two ogres instead, almost like a gentleman, definitely like a coward. It could almost be cute.

The green and blue ogres, meanwhile, begin whaling on each other, trading massive blows that shake the ground under their feet. Taako manages a shaky grin as he watches them, trying not to imagine what being any closer to them might have been like. Cowardice continues to save his bacon.

The automaton closest to the button on the bridge has to go through Magnus, so it bites the bullet and attacks Magnus first. Magnus blocks with his shield and then smashes forward into the automaton with it, shattering the automaton's casing and spilling all its intricate clockwork and gears to the floor. The door behind it slides open and another robot comes out; Magnus hunkers down next to the button again.

Taako eyes the injured red ogre, who's fallen to the ground behind the pillar. He takes a deep, motivating breath — then runs forward, goes through several of the pockets within reach, finds no gem whatsoever, and runs right back to his previous spot before the ogre can muster enough awareness to make a swipe at him. He's almost successful, except for how he's not successful at all and the red ogre lumbers to its feet to try and pursue him.

Merle has a flash of inspiration. He loads a strengthening potion into the chamber of the cannon, and then fires it — not at the red ogre, but at _Taako_. It crashes open at Taako's feet, and some of the fluid splashes up onto Taako's legs, drawing a high-pitched yelp of surprise from the elven wizard. Merle then fires the last attack-me-now attention-drawing potion he has at the blue ogre, where it crashes open and spills all over the ogre's shoulders, and the red ogre gives one last bellowing roar before charging with murderous intent at the ogre instead of Taako, picking on something its own size.

The red ogre smashes the blue ogre's head in, and then finishes it off with enthusiastic help from the green ogre.

Magnus, meanwhile, is still dealing with the automatons on the sky bridge. He destroys one that tried to slip past him towards the button, then leaps toward the other and grips its crossbow arms. With brute strength, very, _very_ slowly, he rips the metallic arms off of the golem's body, in an unexpectedly gruesome and violent display. He throws the arms back down the bridge, then moves to hunker down at the button again. 

Taako, feeling energised by the strengthening potion Merle shot at his feet, fires up a Magic Missile and directs all three of the magical bolts at the green ogre. The bolts, thanks to the potion, are the size of giant torpedos, bigger than an orc, streaking through the air.

"Suck on these, dipshit!" Taako yells out.

They don't kill the green ogre, but they give it the same injured deep-chest rasping noises that the red ogre has. Honestly, Taako is quite impressed with himself.

Merle fires an acidic hurting potion at the red ogre. It hits the ogre right in the face and crashes open, eating through its flesh, and with one last pained yowl the ogre keels over, dead as a doornail. 

That leaves just the green ogre, alone in the arena with Taako.

Predictably, it charges, and Taako doesn't have the time to run. It swings an open-handed slap; Taako goes flying back about fifteen feet and lands on the ground on top of his wand, snapping it in half. With a groan and a pained grimace, Taako manages to sit up.

The arms Magnus ripped off of the automaton begin moving, of their own accord, independently, towards the button. While Magnus tries to deal with _those_, the golem that's still whole makes it to the centre of the bridge, and slaps the button. An electric jolt runs through both Merle and Taako, leaving them motionless and defenceless.

When Magnus looks down, his heart beating fast and sick with dread, he sees Taako's face frozen in the mask of someone who has just realised their wand is broken, and possibly also frozen in the mask of someone who has just seen a very good friend slowly and brutally rip the arms off of an enemy. It's snap-decision time, thinking first, considering any potential consequences later, because if he doesn't act _now_, the ogre could easily finish Taako off.

Magnus buries his axe into the glass bridge below him and jumps off the edge, keeping hold of the handle. The glass shatters and rains down to the arena floor, with Magnus falling after them, and he lands in a painful crouch on top of the glass shards with a grunt. Axe still in hand, he rushes forward to meet the green ogre's attack and swings with both hands. The blade slashes through the ogre's shoulder, and the ogre, bellowing in pain, knocks Magnus clear across the arena, where he slides to a motionless halt on his stomach.

One of the automatons up on the bridge tries to follow Magnus down, falls two stories, and smashes into tiny pieces on the arena floor.

Unparalysed now, Taako makes it back onto his feet, holding the broken pieces of his wand, trying to stop his limbs from jerking with remnants of pain, and something in his pack begins to rattle feverishly. He sticks his hand in, searching for the movement and the unnatural warmth, and pulls out the umbrella he found in Wave Echo Cave. It vibrates excitedly in his hands, pulsing magical energy, making him feel more powerful by the second.

Magnus, trying to think through the painful buzzing in his head, struggles to his feet. He faces the green ogre, who is barrelling down on him again, not quite sure where his axe is or what his move is going to be.

Taako swings around, points his umbrella at the damaged ogre, and casts one last Magic Missile.

The umbrella opens up as it deploys the three silvery spears of magic energy. The ogre locks up as they hit him, goes completely stiff, and then keels over backwards, as dead as his compatriots. 

The intercom in the ceiling crackles back to life as Taako and Magnus look at each other, both relieved and exhausted.

"Well," says the Director, "that was quite an… _unconventional_ way of doing that. I particularly liked when you ripped the arms off that poor helpless robot. Congratulations, you have passed the test of initiation."

"Yeah!" Merle cheers from the cannon alcove. Taako and Magnus join in. They're spirited cheers, for how exhausted they all are, and how injured Taako and Magnus are; whatever they're about to join and whatever the next days are about to bring, it has to be worth it if the test to get there is _this ruddy difficult_.


	3. A Magical Gachepon and a Fantasy Costco

What if the game is real life 

And everything else is just a game

Think about it…  
**… It's T_he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

In the wake of the test of initiation, Merle, Magnus, and Taako find themselves debriefing with the Director back in her office-throne-room space. A lot of people wearing the Bureau of Balance blue-and-white uniforms are there too, applauding as the trio walk inside. Some high fives go around.

"I can't believe you ripped that robot's arms off!" someone in the back of the crowd calls out. "That was _sick_!"

The Director's clapping too, on her dais, with her plain white oak staff resting in the crook of her elbow. Her face is carefully composed with professional pride. "We're all very, very impressed," she tells them as some of the applause dies away. "We've seen a lot of different solutions to the test of initiation, but nothing quite so colourful as that, so congratulations are in order. The three of you are now fully-fledged members of our order. We are happy to have you on as Reclaimers, and we are pleased to present you each with your tailor-made bracers —"

Taako and Merle both glee with semi-polite excitement.

"— bracers of balance, is what we call them. We're really into alliteration here." There's a scatter of laughter in the crowd while she claps twice. "Davenport!"

The prim gnomish butler walks out from the back again, carrying a tray with three bracers of varying sizes.

"Make sure you put on the right one," the Director cautions them, "because once those go on, they never come off. You want to make sure you put on the one that was tailor-made for _you_, or else there will be some permanent discomfort."

Taako raises both hands. "I'm concerned about bracer stink," he says. "What's the policy on that? Do you have some sort of detergent?"

"Each initiate of the Bureau of Balance is also granted a special brush you can do some grouting with. For your arm stink."

When the Director isn't smiling, it's difficult to tell if she's joking or not. Fortunately, in this case, she _is_ smiling.

"Does the wrist turn green, ever, under the bracer?" asks Merle, eyeing the bracers cautiously.

"If it does, you'll never know."

"Oh, good."

Davenport offers the correct bracer to each of the three adventurers, along with a small smile. His expression isn't the sort of expression you would normally expect on someone who can only say their own name — it almost seems to be a _knowing_ smile, clever and bright. 

"Put them on your non-dominant arm, by the way," the Director adds. "Which one is your dominant?"

"I'm ambidextrous," Magnus offers as he takes his bracer.

"Yes, of course you are."

"I prefer right," says Taako.

"It's easier, we find, to have it on your non-dominant hand, but I suppose it's up to you."

Taako, Magnus, and Merle all put their bracers on their left arms. As they clasp them shut, the clasps vanish entirely, leaving only the Bureau of Balance rune inscribed on the side of the bracers. B&B, clearly legible now that they've been inoculated by the Voidfish.

"No, wait, my right!" Magnus objects. Scattered laughter ripples through the room again.

"Welcome to the club," says the Director. "This is very exciting. We haven't had new Reclaimers in the order for… quite some time."

"Well, it's no _wonder_," says Merle.

"Why's that?"

"It's a tough process getting in!"

The Director nods thoughtfully. "It's not a very high completion rate, for the test, but the three of _you_ don't have to worry about that ever again. You've already been paid, handsomely, your finder's fee for finding the gauntlet, and you will be paid as such each time you can find a Grand Relic. There are six left. Your job duties will include following up on any promising information that our Seekers and spies find. We will send you out on missions, and you will do what you did in Phandalin. Ideally _without_ involving the destruction of an entire city, and also thousands of souls."

"_Well_," says Magnus, shifting uncomfortably, "I mean, ideally, yeah, but —"

"Will that come out of our paycheck?" asks Taako, seemingly completely unconcerned.

"Oh, no, no," the Director assures him. "If it did, you would actually owe_ us_ money. Now, I understand — we are certainly sympathetic to the fact that not everybody who joins the Bureau is interested in monetary gain."

Magnus, Merle, and Taako all burst out laughing.

"It sounds, by your guffawing, that you are not counted among them. A lot of people who come to join the Bureau are interested in the acquisition of _power_ as well."

Taako brightens. "_Yeah_!"

"That is something that we are actually very well-equipped to help you out with."

"Good," says Taako, "because something tells me money's a sucker's game on the moon. What have you got, like, stores that sell moon rocks?"

"I just want a dog," Magnus pines.

"I have a dog," Merle says.

"What? Where? When did you get a dog?"

"Ruby, remember? Gundren's dog? Or maybe Barry's dog, I wasn't too clear on that."

"Oh, yeah. Where _is_ Ruby?"

All three are uncomfortably silent for a minute.

"No dogs are allowed on the moon, unfortunately," the Director supplies into the silence.

Merle points at her. "See, I knew that, so I had to leave her behind. She's _fine_. She probably found some nice owners to adopt her or something."

Magnus stares at the Director, looking quite devastated. "No dogs allowed!?"

"Well, here's the problem: they just run right off the goddamn thing."

"I'd keep him on a leash! And I'd feed him, and I'd walk him every day, and I'd make sure he doesn't commit suicide off the moon!"

"We _have_ actually permitted an independent retailer space on our campus. If you want, you can spend some of your hard-earned money at the Fantasy Costco."

"It's called _Fantasy Costco_!?"

"That is the name of the establishment, yes._ I_ didn't name it, of course, I named the Bureau of Balance, which I thought was a terrific name. Much better, inarguably, than Fantasy Costco."

Merle laughs. "Davenport came up with that one, right?"

The Director gives Merle an odd look. "Uh — no, Davenport does not run the Fantasy Costco. He is my charge. My ward. Isn't that right, Davenport?"

"Davenport!" Davenport agrees, nodding.

"But in addition to monetary rewards," says the Director, "we do have a system in place for allotting each of you a certain measure of power. Now, of course, the strictures of our order prohibit us from granting each other magic items. Obviously lesser magic items we will permit you to _keep_ — I notice, Magnus, you have some Loafers of Leaping. We will not take those from you because we find it's a necessary evil for you to do your job."

"My loafers are not evil!"

"Certainly not, compared to the gauntlet you just destroyed. Those loafers aren't going to destroy an entire city. However, our order does not permit us to give each other magic items. We do have something of a clever way to get around that, and Davenport will now pay you your final reward —"

"He's going to kill us," Magnus jokes, elbowing Taako.

"— he's going to murder the three of you. Thank you for your service, goodbye."

Because the Director's still smiling, and because no one else in the room looks worried, Magnus decides that the Director must have a similar sense of humour to theirs. Uncharacteristic, for an authority figure of such gravitas. 

"So what is it," Merle asks, "like a signing bonus?"

"Yes! It's a signing bonus. That is a terrific way of thinking about it. This is your signing bonus."

Davenport produces his tray again, and this time it has three large intricately printed copper tokens on it.

"Mine says 'good for one backrub'," Magnus murmurs, studying the markings.

Taako leans over. "Does it actually say that? Because if it does, you might want to spray Davenport with a water bottle."

The Director says: "If you present those to our resident Artificer, he will help you out with acquiring a few new tools that you can use on your adventure. You're going to want to leave this dome, head to the third dome on your right, and then inside that dome is actually a smaller dome — goddamn, we love domes around here — and inside you will find the Artificer's chambers. Do you have any questions about your new job, your new duties, or anything along those lines?"

"What happens with the bracers once we've found all seven objects?" says Magnus.

"Oh, shit. Uh…"

"Maybe that's our reward for finding them all," Merle suggests.

"Yes. Yes, we… we veryquicklycutoffyourhandandgetthebraceroff but then we attach the hand _back_, and it's really not a big deal."

Magnus nods. "Sounds cool to me!"

"I have a question," says Taako. "Was the seventh object love the whole time? Because I'd like to know that upfront. I can't run around for years and at the end find out that the seventh object was love, so I want to ask upfront if the seventh object is love."

"It would be irresponsible of me to confirm or deny that right now. We don't have enough intel to confirm that —"

"Heads up guys!" says Taako. "The seventh object is love!"

"I cannot confirm or deny if the magic was inside you all along."

"It was inside us the whole time, you guys! I figured it out!"

"Blink twice if the seventh object is love," suggests Magnus.

"What I'm saying is," Taako cuts in, "once we get six, let's just head back here and see if the seventh object was inside us all along. I _guarantee_ it's love. She won't even say it's not love! We'll get the other ones, but — it's love."

"Will we have a way to _identify_ the objects?" Magnus asks the Director. "Or do we have to just keep bringing magical shit back that we find and say 'is this one of them'?" 

"Whatever magical detritus comes into our field of vision!" Taako says, laughing. "Like — stray dogs!"

"I've found a rock that's kind of warm when it should be cold, is that secretly evil?"

"Yes," the Director says deadpan, "you nailed it, hand that bad boy over. Any other _non_-terrible questions?"

"Is there a health plan?" asks Merle, who, as the resident team cleric and healer, has something of a vested interest in how much work he'll be expected to do.

"Just don't die," says the Director.

"I actually do have a question," Magnus says, sobering. "Out there in the world, are there agents that we should be on the lookout for? Is there a way to identify each other aside from the bracer?"

"You have a pretty big silver bracer on, that will typically help you out. If you're ever sent on a mission where you will need to correspond with another member of the Bureau, we will certainly let you know ahead of time. Do keep an eye out though. We value teamwork here."

"And does the bracer do anything other than summon the glass ball balloon thing?"

"Oh, it does allow us to know exactly where you are at all times."

"How do we get around?" asks Merle. "What kind of transportation do you provide? Is there mileage reimbursement?"

"Again, this is going to sound much more unpleasant than it actually is — we fire you out of a cannon."

"Cool."

"You're going to love it, it's a very efficient form of travel."

Taako chimes in. "So my question is this: as far as you know, is there another… is there a _bad_ Bureau of Balance? A Bureau of Imbalance?"

The Director thinks about her answer, frowning. "As far as we know," she says eventually, "the rogue wizards who called themselves Redrobes — as far as we know, the rogue wizards who created all of these weapons of mass destruction — they're all… gone. Most of them were killed in the mad hunt for these objects. But as far as we know, we have not seen any Redrobes. If you notice any on your journey, if you encounter any on your journey —"

"If we see someone in a red robe, kill them," says Magnus. "Got it."

"No, _don't_. It is _imperative_ that you _don't_ kill them, and that you bring them to us and allow us to detain them, because the information that they hold may be _invaluable_."

"What if it's just a regular person wearing a red robe?"

"Well — I guess just be careful. Use your best judgement."

"Got it."

Didn't the skeleton in Wave Echo Cave have a red robe on? Taako thinks to himself as they file out of the Director's office. It probably doesn't matter, right? Skeletons are typically dead, after all. Besides, there's not even a skeleton there anymore; it disintegrated right after he…

Right after he…

… hm.

~~~~

The Artificer's chamber is right where the Director told them it would be. 

It's a pretty strange-looking room. There's a gnome with a long white beard sitting behind a desk, and the desk has on it a book that is bigger than the gnome man is. Behind him, taking pride of place in the centre of the chamber, is a large machine with a huge glass tank on the top of it (devoid of space jellyfish, in this instance). It contains a lot of spherical capsules inside. There's a metallic base with a small slot in it and a large round crank handle, and underneath the handle is a small door.

The gnome man looks up at them and smiles. "Hello, come in!" he says, in a voice that is surprisingly deep for someone of such small stature. "Welcome to my chambers! My name is Leon. Welcome to my little slice of the moon, as I like to call it. I assume the three of you have been paid some tokens?"

"Yes," says Magnus. He takes out both his token and Taako's, because he decided that Taako couldn't be trusted with his own.

Merle holds his up. "Is that this Jim Crackery we were given earlier?"

"As I'm sure you've been informed," says Leon, "we are not allowed to give each other magical items. However, if we allow Lady Luck, or divine intervention, or… whatever you'd like to call it, however you'd like to think about it — chance, or fate — we can allow _those_ forces to grant you magic items, using this special machine. Here, any magic items that are picked up in the field and not used by one of our agents go into the machine, and then are given out to agents carrying that special commendation that you have in a random manner."

Magnus frowns. "Am I gonna end up with, like, magic socks?"

"God knows! You could end up with magic socks. You could end up with a spear made out of… dragon… bones, or something, I don't know."

"The dragon bone of spear!" Merle announces sarcastically.

Taako points at Leon. "That actually sounds pretty good."

"It does sound pretty rad, doesn't it?" Leon agrees.

"I think that was _supposed_ to be the awesome option," says Magnus. "You know, magic socks versus _dragon spear_."

"I don't know what you're going to end up with," says Leon, "_you_ don't know what you're going to end up with. It's actually very exciting, if you ask me! But if you have any questions about the items that you have, or the items that you found — any items that you get out of the machine, you can let me know, and I have a big book here that will help me diagnose it."

"Can I ask you about this umbrella I have?" Taako asks immediately, holding it out. "Do you recognise this one?"

Leon squints at it. "_That_… let me see that," he says, and takes the umbrella before Taako can either agree or deny him that right. "Oh my _goodness_… where did you find _this_?"

"Doesn't matter," says Taako.

"Up your mom's butt," Magnus colourfully adds. "What _is_ it?"

"I found it in a cave or something," Taako explains, because Leon doesn't appear like he's going to explain it any time soon. "I don't know, it was six whole hours ago. I think a dead guy had it?"

"This is…" Leon's eyes are sparkling with interest. "There are _very few_ of these. You should count yourself _very_ lucky to have something like this."

"Oh? Seemed good."

"This is called an Umbrastaff. They were created by an order of wizards called the… well, the Umbra-Wizards. They were a clever sort."

"Did you say _Umbro_-wizards!?"

"Umbr_a_. With an A."

"Known for their baggy shorts and their love of soccer!"

Leon, who has absolutely no idea what Taako is talking about, gently rotates the Umbrastaff in the air. "They created magical items that _look_ like normal, everyday items that would allow them to conceal those staves and wands, and allow them to bring it into battle unseen."

"This is _before_ they invented baggy shorts, right? And used _those_ to conceal all their magic items."

Leon gives Taako a strange look. "Again," he says, "a very clever order of wizards. And quite fashionable. What makes these staves interesting is that they are able to _consume_ the power of any magical item used by a wizard that you have bested in combat. It will absorb their powers and become stronger. So you will want to hang onto this, because this is… _quite_ a rare find."

Taako has a new look in his eye when he takes the umbrella back — one that, if one didn't know him much better, might even have been a look of surprise and respect. "Excellent!" he says. "Thanks so much."

Leon grins, and gestures at the machine. "So! Is anyone feeling _lucky_? Anyone want to take a spin? Oh boy, I can't wait to see what you get!"

"I'll go first," Merle offers. "I'll spin the big machine first."

"There's no spinning, it's mostly just cranking. But yes! Insert your coin into the slot and we'll see where we go! I'm so excited!"

Merle does exactly that, and pulls the crank. A very small capsule pops out of the little door in the base, and when Merle pops it open, he finds a very small clasp, like a clip-on earring. 

"Ooh, this is actually a _very_ interesting item!" says Leon, who has already looked the tiny clasp up in his giant tome on the desk. "This is called the _true heart_ clasp. You wear it on your ear, and it aids you in knowing a person's true intentions. Whether they're telling the truth, for example, or whether they mean you harm."

Merle hums an acknowledgement, examining the clasp from every angle. "But how does it fit into my wardrobe ensemble?"

"It fits into _any_ wardrobe ensemble, my friend!"

Merle examines the earring some more, and then puts it on easily.

"It looks very dashing!" says Magnus.

"It is!" Leon agrees, grinning. "It looks very good on you!"

"Thank you."

"Pulling, it, _off,_" Taako says with an approving nod.

"Anybody else?" asks Leon. "Anybody else want to go next?"

Taako raises his hand. "I'll go!"

"Great! Knock that bad boy in there."

"I have a coin!"

"Yes, put — put it right in the machine, and let's see! I can't _wait_!"

Taako hands Leon his coin.

"OK, but you have to — you have to put it in the machine, because there's like a whole fate and chance and divine intervention thing, that I set up for you, so —"

"Where does the coin go?"

"Into the coin-shaped hole. On the front of the machine."

"Good news, I've _solved your puzzle_."

"Well, um —"

Taako takes the coin back from Leon and puts it competently and efficiently into the slot.

"Excellent! Great! You're halfway there, now just crank that handle to the right. To the right! To the _right_."

"To the right?"

"To the right, yes. We're doing the goddamn cupid shuffle now, so —"

Taako pushes the crank to the left. Predictably, it does not work, and the crank does not move. Magnus and Merle are off in the corner trying and failing to stop laughing. Leon looks lost for words, but fortunately Taako takes pity on him and cranks right. Another small capsule comes down, and Taako pops it open to find a blue steel or cobalt ring that's remarkably cool to the touch.

"Let's see, rings," says Leon, flipping through the pages of his tome. "Rings, rings… we have quite a few rings, you know, so this may take a while… That earring looks great, Merle, by the way, _very_ dashing, I wish I could get something like _that_ out of the machine… rings, rings, rings…"

"I'll sell it to you," Merle offers.

"Oh, no — really?"

"Nah, no, no."

"That's against the rules, right?" Taako volunteered. 

"Oh, yes, absolutely. Definitely. Definitely, _definitely_ don't sell those to anybody. Wink. Now, _that_ is a ring of frost! What this ring does is — when the wearer is holding any beverage, it makes that beverage very frosty and refreshing."

"Excellent!"

"It also defends you against frost-based damage. So. That should help also, but its _main_ purpose is frosty beverages."

"That's too bad," says Taako, "but we've got the frosty beverage thing, at least!"

"Yes! So any beverage you hold while wearing your ring of frost will be chilly, and refreshing."

"OK, my turn," says Magnus as he approaches the large machine.

Leon, with seemingly endless excitement, says: "OK, Magnus, spin it, let's see if we can't get something a little bigger out of there!"

Leon's wish comes true. The capsule that slides down for Magnus is _much_ bigger, and more ovular. "Magic dog, magic dog, magic dog," Magnus mutters, fingers crossed, as he pops the capsule open.

It's an axe. It's a very plain-looking lumberjack's axe with a long wooden handle, and a red wedge head on the end of it. 

"Let's see," says Leon, "axe… axe… is that a-x, or a-x-e? I can never seem to remember how we spell it."

"A-x," says Magnus definitively. "A-x-e is the body spray."

"O… K. I'm not a hundred percent sure you're right on that one, but let's… _this_ is a very powerful axe called Railsplitter. Railsplitter is more powerful than your standard axe, despite its humble trappings. It is said that the Railsplitter can, in a single swipe, chop down _any_ tree. With one swipe of the axe. Once per day, you can fell any tree."

"_Sweet_," says Magnus, hefting his new axe up in both hands.

"That's good for him," Taako points out, "'cause he hates trees."

"I do! I detest them!"

"That was… I'm not gonna lie to you guys," says Leon, who looks, if we'll pardon the expression, over the moon, "there are a lot of stinkers in there. There's a lot of stinkers and a lot of clunkers. You three did _very well_. But you'll receive more tokens for your laudable efforts in the field, so… I guess any time you have a question about anything you find out there, or have some tokens to throw to the whims of fate, you let me know."

"So this isn't retroactive to all the wizards we've already killed?" Merle asks.

Leon stares at him. "What are you talking about."

"Oh, no," says Magnus, "you're talking about the umbrella."

"Oh! No, you don't get one token per wizard you _murder_! Or else you could go on some sort of horrible spree down on surface level and we don't encourage that type of behaviour!"

With their new magical items and a slowly developing sense of direction on the secret moon base, Taako, Merle, and Magnus set out to find the Fantasy Costco the Director told them about during their debriefing.

~~~~

Fantasy Costco is the biggest building on the campus, and the only non-dome-shaped structure, something the organisers of the Bureau of Balance can't be too happy about.

**F A N T A S Y C O S T C O **

is on the front of the building, in large glowing letters, and the front doors slide open with a soft metallic hiss the moment Merle, Taako, and Magnus approach them. Magic, probably.

They're the only independent retailer on the moon, according to the Director, which is why they can sell magic items and no one else can. Unfortunately, not even Fantasy Costco can sneak dogs onto the moon, squashing Magnus's dreams once and for all.

Along the shelves are a variety of really weird-looking objects, with descriptions of their functions on little placards in front of them. There are things like Stones of Farspeech, which let you talk to someone who isn't in the room with you, a hundred gold pieces each; a Ring of Pointing, which shoots a distracting laser during battle or highlights important information during presentations; thousands of different kinds of weapons, armour, and shields; and endless aisles of food.

The three adventurers grab an oversized shopping cart and go around knocking the items they want into it. Magnus buys a Phantom Fist, a heavy metal gauntlet which can knock enemies back during unarmed melee with a transparent ghost fist, and three Stones of Farspeech. Taako buys an Olive Garden pass for unlimited pasta and soft drinks, with full intention of never actually using it, as well as the Ring of Pointing and the Wand of Switcharoo, which lets the user switch places with a visible and willing target once per day. Merle buys a Scuttle Buddy, a small mechanical beetle you can use as a spy, and names it Ted; he also, through a deft bit of negotiating, manages to buy the Extreme Teen Bible, a holy symbol featuring a rad skateboarder on the cover which would allow him to more easily spread the word of Pan to nameless teens.

These will definitely be indispensable items in the future that Merle, Magnus, and Taako use all the time to make their adventures easier. We will definitely see these items again later in the story. They will definitely _not_ be completely forgotten. 

We also definitely won't meet the enigmatic owner of the Fantasy Costco franchise during future visits, because enigmatic non-human CEOs of major store chains don't usually take an immediate and suspicious interest in small bands of travelling companions.


End file.
